Social Phobia - Way Beyond Shyness
A middle-aged woman is sitting at a table at a pavement café having coffee with her brother. From a distance you wouldn’t notice anything wrong. It’s likely that her brother hasn’t really noticed anything either.
It’s a nice day but not really bright enough to warrant the sunglasses she is wearing. And it’s not hot enough for her to perspire, yet she is. Her hand shakes almost imperceptibly as she raises her coffee cup to her lips. All these signs are very subtle.
But these small outward signs – which to the woman are massive signals to the outside world of her discomfort – reflect an inner turmoil, a crippling anxiety and acute self-awareness which inexplicably triggers around all kinds of benign social encounters like this.
The remarkable thing is that there are millions of people like her: she is suffering from a social phobia.
What is Social Phobia?
Social phobia (or social anxiety) is an intense and irrational fear of being judged by others in a social, work or performance situation - or of being embarrassed or humiliated in such situations - causing dread, panic and avoidance.
More accurately, it is not the scrutiny and negative judgements themselves but the sufferer’s own emotional response to them - the feelings of shame, rejection or humiliation.
Sufferers recognise that their fear is excessive or unreasonable but they feel powerless to do anything to change their responses. So the feared situations are avoided or else endured with intense anxiety or distress.
When sufferers feel that all eyes are upon them - “the spotlight effect” - their acute self-awareness makes it very difficult to focus on what is going on around them, to engage in conversation, follow a meeting or read notes. Their mind goes blank. Their distress is further fuelled by their efforts to hide or mask their discomfort which may become apparent through blushing, sweating, shaking, twitching, or an inability to speak normally or coherently.
Not only will these feelings be present for some time before the event - anticipatory anxiety - but they may linger afterwards as the sufferer analyses and ruminates on how other people may have judged them.
Social phobia is distinguished from shyness by the intense, often debilitating, fear it generates. At its worst it will end in a panic attack. So it’s way beyond shyness or butterflies.
How it manifests
Social phobia is linked to different things for different people.
In social situations it can manifest as excessive blushing, shaking or sweating. It can show as an inability to eat, drink, write or talk on the telephone in front of others, to initiate or maintain conversations or to make eye contact.
In work situations it is most commonly an intense fear of speaking in front of groups (in presentations, meetings or when introducing oneself to a group of people). It will typically start around formal presentations then spread out to meetings, smaller groups and then to informal situations like one-on-one conversations (especially with more senior people). It can then even spill into social situations with friends and family.
In most cases social phobia is limited to one specific situation, such as public speaking (the most common social phobia). But in severe cases just being around people generally will trigger the fear.
Avoidance and safety behaviours
Safety and avoidance behaviours are used by the social phobic to reduce the danger and to control, accommodate and conceal their panic and embarrassment.
Sufferers will create elaborate ways to reduce or hide their distress. For example, by talking slowly, creating distractions, wearing dark glasses to avoid eye contact or using make-up to hide blushing. They often self-medicate with alcohol.
Energy and time are used in planning and avoiding the feared situations. Excuses are made to avoid certain activities. Sickness may be feigned. People and situations may be manipulated. Jobs, promotions, invitations and trips may be turned down. Intimacy, dating and parties are avoided. Partners and friends may be let down. And there is a loss of freedom and independence as the comfort zone shrinks.
Many people accommodate their phobia like this for a long time - typically for years, even decades. These solutions though eventually become part of the problem: the avoidance and control behaviours become the handicap, using up time, energy and attention needed for other things and threatening jobs and relationships.
Who it affects
Most people with a social phobia are normal, intelligent, happy and well-balanced.
They want to talk to people, make friends, enjoy good company, or, at work, share their knowledge and expertise. But in these situations they come across as reserved, unfriendly, disinterested or unenthusiastic because they have got this phobia, this thing.
So it’s very frustrating because a part of them (the rational thinking part) knows that it doesn’t make sense. But they nevertheless find that when they are exposed to that situation, or just thinking about it, another part of them (the irrational unconscious part) drives out rational thought and fear floods in.
It seems to be the more imaginative, creative or artistic people who are more prone to developing social phobias. This is because phobias have a lot to do with the misuse of the imagination: sufferers are more easily able to create horror movies in their heads around social situations and to imagine how others must be judging and evaluating them.
The cause
Social phobia can be caused by many things. It can be an extension of childhood shyness where the necessary social skills have not been given a chance to develop.
More commonly it seems to start later in life at a time when background stress levels have been raised by things like relationships or work. Then something happens that the individual can usually cope with but because of the background stress they tip into a mild panic attack. This is frightening and embarrassing. It destroys self-confidence. And it builds into a phobia as the sufferer starts to fear it happening again and begins to panic about panicking.
At the start, it may take some time for people to recognise that they have a phobia. They may mistakenly put it down to excessive shyness. But then the panic starts to occur more frequently and consistently and a pattern emerges. The response is reinforced each time it happens and they panic, and each time they avoid the feared situation and feel relief.
Getting help
Things have moved on from old style exposure therapy and there are now a number of very effective solutions available.
These include The Fast Phobia Cure - a remarkable technique from Neuro Linguistic Programming - which rapidly changes the patterns that drive the fear. Another relatively new technique is the Emotional Freedom Technique which also provides rapid change. Of the more traditional treatments, Cognitive Therapy – designed to change the way you think about social situations - is also effective although it is likely to take longer.
You will find more information about these treatments on the internet as well as specialist therapists who can help.
For those with social anxiety, the most important thing is to get help because social phobia can be changed. These days there is no need for anyone to have a phobia.
Guy Baglow is a leading phobia specialist and founder of the mindspa phobia clinic ( phobiaclinic.co.uk www.phobiaclinic.co.uk ), the UK’s leading specialist private phobia clinic in Harley Street - a world centre of healthcare excellence in London. An online clinic ( phobiaclinic.net/ www.phobiaclinic.net ) has downloadable treatments including the Fast Phobia Cure and Overcome Social Phobia ( phobiaclinic.net/social.htm phobiaclinic online - social ).